2012 Recap Rap

I’m not a poet and I know it.  Screw it, here’s a toast to 2012:

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We started of the year with a dose of Angelegging

Which gave her lots of buzz, without the need for begging

 

Pretty Ashley Judd showed up with her face a little bloated

Ridiculously, the media made sure this was duly noted

 

Crazy was in spades when we met that tanorexic lady

Who now looks better thanks to a little bit of shady

 

Then came Samantha Brick, who told the world she was hot

Which made us wonder, who would give this woman a second thought?

She said she lacked girlfriends, because women were so jealous

But I don’t think she understands, friendship means more than just the fellas.

 

And what’s celebrity gossip without overweight and pudge

Where pundits throw barbs and harshly, bitterly judge

 

Under fire were Jessica, Bryce, Aishwarya, and Hillary Duff

Who got scolded post-partum, because they weren’t perfectly buff

Having a baby can be hard, but filled with beautiful things

One of them shouldn’t be an expectation we’re runway model Angels with Wings**

 

As for Lady Gaga, who cares if she’s bigger or smaller

I can’t wait to see her live, and willing to pay top dollar

 

Even Kate Upton got called a fat squishy brick

From a sociopathic skinny blogger chick

So here’s a woman so totally hot, she makes the men I know swoon

Which proves if she’s a target, then none of us are immune

 

Meanwhile, everyone else was busy getting nude

First with Magic Mike; yay for me,  a naked stripper dude!

 

Later we got Prince Harry, full monty and full ginger

But what do you expect after an all night Vegas binger?

 

Perhaps more surprising and super duper scandalous

Was the naughty love triangle with General Dave Petraeus

Not one, but two women were in his ménage à trois

Even the FBI agent got in the act by Tweeting in the raw.

 

Speaking of guys, what’s up with Brad Pitt and Chanel?

He sounded like a nutter from Middle Earth fashion hell.

 

Moving onto fashion, what’s “in” now all depends

Some say it’s everything, and the end of seasonal trends.

 

But mullet skirts and peplums were seen from US to Bolivia

(Be careful now, peplums can make you look a little like the piglet Olivia)

 

Ombre hair please be gone, you’re code for expensive roots

I would rather spend my money on really kick ass moto boots

 

And what’s with the sock bun the celebs seem to adore?

Is it just me, or does it looks like a pile of manure?

 

When it came to our nails, there is nothing we wouldn’t paint

But in 2013 I’m hoping for a little more restraint

 

And what’s with Honey Boo Boo as one of the Most Fascinating of the Year?

Frankly, I took this as a sign that the Apocolypse was near.

 

But on the other end is Kate Middleton, a lovely English Rose

Who according to plastic surgeons, now has the most requested nose

And what joy, she’s having a baby and heir to the throne

We’ll wait with anticipation while she warms up the royal scone

 

(Oh yeah, and Kim Kardashian is pregnant)

 

So we bit adieu and bring 2012 to an end

With hope that 2013 brings magic, happiness and health round the bend

 

And here’s to YOU and all your pretty, sparkly endeavors

Especially humor, wit and smarts because they all last forever

Happy 2013!