2012 Recap Rap
I’m not a poet and I know it. Screw it, here’s a toast to 2012:
We started of the year with a dose of Angelegging
Which gave her lots of buzz, without the need for begging
Pretty Ashley Judd showed up with her face a little bloated
Ridiculously, the media made sure this was duly noted
Crazy was in spades when we met that tanorexic lady
Who now looks better thanks to a little bit of shady
Then came Samantha Brick, who told the world she was hot
Which made us wonder, who would give this woman a second thought?
She said she lacked girlfriends, because women were so jealous
But I don’t think she understands, friendship means more than just the fellas.
And what’s celebrity gossip without overweight and pudge
Where pundits throw barbs and harshly, bitterly judge
Who got scolded post-partum, because they weren’t perfectly buff
Having a baby can be hard, but filled with beautiful things
One of them shouldn’t be an expectation we’re runway model Angels with Wings**
As for Lady Gaga, who cares if she’s bigger or smaller
I can’t wait to see her live, and willing to pay top dollar
Even Kate Upton got called a fat squishy brick
From a sociopathic skinny blogger chick
So here’s a woman so totally hot, she makes the men I know swoon
Which proves if she’s a target, then none of us are immune
Meanwhile, everyone else was busy getting nude
First with Magic Mike; yay for me, a naked stripper dude!
Later we got Prince Harry, full monty and full ginger
But what do you expect after an all night Vegas binger?
Perhaps more surprising and super duper scandalous
Was the naughty love triangle with General Dave Petraeus
Not one, but two women were in his ménage à trois
Even the FBI agent got in the act by Tweeting in the raw.
Speaking of guys, what’s up with Brad Pitt and Chanel?
He sounded like a nutter from Middle Earth fashion hell.
Moving onto fashion, what’s “in” now all depends
Some say it’s everything, and the end of seasonal trends.
But mullet skirts and peplums were seen from US to Bolivia
(Be careful now, peplums can make you look a little like the piglet Olivia)
Ombre hair please be gone, you’re code for expensive roots
I would rather spend my money on really kick ass moto boots
And what’s with the sock bun the celebs seem to adore?
Is it just me, or does it looks like a pile of manure?
When it came to our nails, there is nothing we wouldn’t paint
But in 2013 I’m hoping for a little more restraint
And what’s with Honey Boo Boo as one of the Most Fascinating of the Year?
Frankly, I took this as a sign that the Apocolypse was near.
But on the other end is Kate Middleton, a lovely English Rose
Who according to plastic surgeons, now has the most requested nose
And what joy, she’s having a baby and heir to the throne
We’ll wait with anticipation while she warms up the royal scone
(Oh yeah, and Kim Kardashian is pregnant)
So we bit adieu and bring 2012 to an end
With hope that 2013 brings magic, happiness and health round the bend
And here’s to YOU and all your pretty, sparkly endeavors
Especially humor, wit and smarts because they all last forever