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Posted | 8 comments

Full Monty: How Much Naked is too Much Naked in the Locker Room?

“Can you hand me the shaving cream?” asks the naked twenty-something woman as she spits out her toothpaste and notices I’m the only thing standing between her and a can of Barbasol.

No, this wasn’t the set of a low-budget soft porn film.  It was just another early morning in the ladies locker room at Equinox.

Frankly, I’m less comfortable than I’d like to be with large doses of full frontal nudity.  To wit, my naked neighbor occupied 45 minutes of precious sink/blow dryer real estate not only to brush her teeth, but floss, exfoliate, apply a facial mask and send text messages every 5 minutes.

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On the other hand, I take the naked as necessary approach.  Meaning, I try to coolly wrap the towel around all my lady parts and swiftly do my business.  The problem is, my breasts never want to cooperate with the towel so I’m endlessly working with only one hand while the other tries to awkwardly maintain my dignity.

I’m about to reach for the blow dryer which is a little close for comfort, when out of nowhere, my naked neighbor places her leg on the sink.  So she can shave.

If there is a visual equivalent of an ear worm, this would be it.

I get introduced the fact that she’s groomed herself into a skinny landing strip that resembles a vaginal goatee.  The word “Smitten” is tattooed on her inner thigh along with the ubiquitous Chinese character on her ankle.  I wonder if she’ll regret the Smitten tattoo if she ever gets photographed giving birth (imagine it next to a crowning baby’s head) and if she even knows what the Chinese character means.  I secretly hope the tattoo artist just ripped the character off of a Chinese take-out menu.

Determined not to be intimidated by her full monty, I mumble “pardon me” and reach for the blow dryer.  She scoots over a little, but largely ignores me as though I’m the intruder in her bathroom.

Finally, the hair dryer is mine.  That is until the cord gets tangled around her foot on the sink and she nicks herself.  “Watch it!” she growls, but I’m not sure if the words came from her mouth or her vagina.  “I’m so sorry,” I say with indignant horror “but you know, it’s really much easier to shave in the shower”.

“WhatEVER,” she says shooting me a bitch face.

Oh my God, am I in the middle of a naked dance off?  And was the issue with my surly naked neighbor…or me?

Was this woman so supremely narcissistic that she was blind to how uncomfortable being spread eagle would make people?  Or, was she just that confident in her own skin…and was I just a little bit jealous?

No, it was her.  I righteously remind myself of Jerry Seinfeld’s wisdom in the classic episode “The Apology”:

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Jerry goes on to say that naked hair brushing is good, but naked crouching is bad. Same with naked coughing.

Considering we’re in a ladies locker room, I’m going to assume there’s only OK Naked and Bad Naked.  For me, OK Naked means being naked because there’s no other choice. You might see full frontal, but it’s just because sometimes ya gotta turn around and grab your bra or you want to weigh yourself with your clothes off.  There’s actually something comforting about this kind of naked because we all have the same stuff, it just comes in different shapes and sizes.    And if there’s a little boob showing, so what?  It’s just a boob.

It’s the in your face “love me, love my lady parts and outta my way while I shave ” swagger that gets under my skin.   Frankly, I’m not sure this boldness stems from supreme confidence, or is more a form of marking territory in some attempt at weird locker room bully dominance.

So where do you draw the full monty line?

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8 Comments

  1. Just found your site and love it! You haven’t lived, though, until you’ve experienced naked “ladies of a certain age” in your locker room. At my gym it’s all-nude 80-year-olds, all the time. I kind of envy their body acceptance.

  2. YES!!!!!!! That’s one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes!! When his naked girlfriend strains to lift something or coughs I want to die!! Great reference and great post. Oh, and so sorry you came face-to-face with this chick’s vajajay ;)

  3. Unacceptable – a woman was shaving her legs in the steam room at my gym the other day. Apart from the nasty foamy hair fall, her intimate lady bits were flashing me. When I asked her to stop, saying it was unsanitary – she got all annoyed and started mouthing off – calling me a ‘stuffy effing bitch’. So I stood up – opened the door and asked the women outside in the change room if they thought it was acceptable. A bunch of them shouted said “NO, disgusting”. I just stood there, holding the door open (towel in place) and eventually the shaver pushed past me took the walk of shame through the rest of the ladies. Changeroom bullies need calling out.

    • You’re so right, there’s always some bad apple in the sauna and steam rooms playing fast and loose with some funky hygiene. I really hate when people don’t sit on their towels.

  4. As sofagirl can attest, Italian women have no problem parading in the buff at any opportunity. But even I, faced with a locker room, would do no more than remove my towel to get my clothes back on. Shaving by the sink?? Unsanitary, gross and rude. Don’t these people have their own bathrooms?

    • I know, right? It’s the whole below the belt, between the legs situation with a lotta attitude that made we wonder if she was raised by wolves.

  5. I’m also an Equinox member and have been treated to equally revolting locker room behavior – to the point where I will no longer sit (or place my bags, clothing, or other personal items) on a bench without covering it with a towel.

    I can live with the unabashed nakedness. (Well, sort of). Nobody wants to see your lady parts, ladies. And let’s just say most of you are not magazine material. But worse … must you sit bare-assed on the locker room bench? This has happened multiple times at various locations and I am no longer shy about calling out these vile wretches.

    However, I think the worst infraction was the woman who thought it was okay to trim her pubic hair in the sink area. I completely lost it and management was bewildered as to how to handle this.

    Thanks for posting this. I’m glad to see that I’m not being overly critical.

    • No, it’s not you:) I think this happens at all clubs, not just Equinox. I do feel it’s some odd game of one upsmanship though, like how naked can you get.

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